This is a post I made over a year ago in my previous blog.
Weird because after one year, we are still struggling over the very same things: conflict, disagreement and rejection. But now, my security is not dependent with my friends anymore but with God. I’m torn between letting this relationship go and pursuing the friendship because it really matters to me.
I tend to forget where I put my stuff. Either it will follow me or I’ll go back and grab where I left it – untouched. I don’t have personal attachment with any of my precious belongings. If it was lost, fine! I get over it more quickly than an average person could. I’ll blink, be depressed in a second, then move on. Maybe that’s what you get if you have lost more than four mobile phones in just a span of two decades.
But when I lose a relationship, I get depressed longer than an average person would.
At least I know myself as someone who always puts premium on relationships. Nah, not boyfriend-girlfriend relationship. I’m not into it yet. I was – once. But that’s a totally different story. Going back, by relationship, I mean friends – closer than usual friends. My friends keep me going. I feel alive when I am with them. When I talk to them, I share a part of me and they share a glimpse of them. I know them better the more I spend time with them. My friends keep me sane. They make me burst into laughter at any given time (Yes, they keep me sane!). But the thing is: I only have a handful of people that I can really call as friends. So I treasure each of them – so much, that if I can put them in a jewelry box with a dancing ballerina just to complete the treasuring process – I probably would. I give them my full attention when I am with them as I want to cherish every moment as if it is our last day together here on earth.
But one day, one of my friends quit on me. Realizing that I am more beautiful and gorgeous than her, she couldn’t stand the depression and left me alone (just kidding!). What happened to the that’s-what-are-friends-are-for and if-I-have-only-one-friend-left-I-want-it-to-be-you moments?? She broke the golden trust we built over time in just one snap. Worst, she made me sang Payphone and Breakeven for more than a month now. My officemates want me to throw out of the window for playing and humming with the song 9 hours a day, 5 days a week. See, I get depressed longer than a normal person would. Well, I used to accept the possibility that I am not normal – not at all. Does friendship have maturity dates that it would expire over time?
Zombie-kind-of-coldness is not my stuff. Neither do being snob. After a big blow of agony, I realized that I have an untamed monster within that could hurt all the people I cherish. So I keep it as far as Mars to avoid crashing my friends around. As a result, one of my friends unexpectedly reacted negatively. She immediately turn-on the zombie-kind-of-coldness all day long and put on a snobbish character 24/7. It created a deep carved mark in my chest. No, not again! I couldn’t lose you, I said. But you started this, remember?? she replied. So, you’ll end it? I thought. Please don’t go away, I screamed – in my mind. I lost her in the process of keeping the monster within. I limited myself but it costed our relationship. Unseen is the pain I’m causing her as I do an extra mile of adding shackles on monster’s feet. So now, I would be singing payphone and breakeven for the rest of the year and I bet my officemates won’t give a damn and throw me out in no time. How could our friendship end so tragic?
How many fingers do I have in my hands? How many have I lost so far? Do I have to tag them, officially lost?
This post is now entitled “Unofficially Lost.” I am not losing hope. This is not the end. We will certainly meet again: grown up, mature, and ready to meet half way–setting aside any differences but willing to help each other along the way.