There was a season in my life that I struggled with letting go.
Letting go of past mistakes and never ending ‘what ifs’.
Letting go of unhealthy relationships.
Letting go of grudge and unforgiveness.
Letting go of guilt and self-condemnation.
Letting go of inability to forgive one self.
Enmeshed relationships. You’ve been holding on to this even if you know that it is falling apart. You are convincing yourself that it will recover and pay off good benefit in the future but as you go along, instead of rising, both of you are sinking.
It took me forever to admit how messed I was in keeping enmeshed relationships. I didn’t retreat. I didn’t stood up for myself (oh, how I wish I did). If those people didn’t left me broken, I’d probably still be with them. I remember what Sari (Bea Alonzo) said to JD (John Lloyd Cruz) in The Mistress: “Bakit pag ikaw ang nagsabi parang ansama-sama, bakit pag ako lang naman parang wala namang mali sa relasyon namin.”* That’s how blinded I was until I was crushed and forced to stand and fight.
Grudge and unforgiveness..by product of being broken and crushed. You say: how in the world could you forgive after all the things they’ve done?!? They don’t deserve your forgiveness. They need to suffer twice as you did. Your life seemed to shrink as you can’t go to places near them. You wonder how in the world can they laugh and sing around while you are still mourning because of what they did. Oh, how the hell can they be so joyous and leave you broken and sad?! You vow to make them suffer as well and withhold forgiveness for like the rest of your life.
Or maybe that’s just me. 🙂 I may carry a very angelic facade (or so I thought) but I am capable of thinking those things against another. Yes, I want to nurse this grudge then and withhold forgiveness as long as I live.
Guilt and self-condemnation. Oh, have I forgotten to tell? I have my fair share of fault and mistakes. My hands aren’t clean and I can’t say I never have any wrongdoing at all. It is a shared-responsibility and it carries a lot of breath-choking guilt. I tend to never ever forgive myself because of that. I ask a series of ‘what ifs’ that conceals reality: What if we never met? What if we never dated? What if we never became friends? What a total waste of time asking those questions as it misses the point of: it-already-happened-my-dear-and-you-can’t-do-anything-about-it-but-move-on-and-face-what’s-left-in-your-life.
You don’t want to let go because you’re so comfortable with it and never realize the harmful effect it brings.
You can’t let go because you’re too blinded to admit that there’s something wrong.
Beware! You are holding on to a faulty line bound to be shaken in time.
Like licking a chocolate-coated poop, it appears deliciously good on the outside but rotten and gross inside. Worse if you’re starting to like the poop, thinking that it is still a chocolate. That happened to me.
This song perfectly portrays how it feels after letting go. Glad I didn’t come across it years back for I may be sobbing and downcast for all time; guilty and full of regret. Totally different from how I see it now, thus this post.
Yes, we will never realize the value of something until it’s gone.
Apparently, they will never realize our value in their life until we’re gone.
But my take away is this: I truly never realized my own value until they’re gone.
Yes I might had “stared at the ceiling in the dark” and had the “same old empty feeling in my heart” ‘coz I “loved it too much and I dived too deep.”
But until I decided to let go and forgive–them and myself–I would never appreciate myself; see my value and experience so much peace inside and out.
I know, easier said than done. I went through like hell during those moment. Mind you, I didn’t let go overnight. Of course there’s heartache–a lot. There are nights that I was both cursing them and myself for even living. I felt all kinds of emotion–even those I never knew existed.
It was hard. Really hard. But all storms don’t stay. It will always have to go. But unlike the storm who goes inevitably, yours has to be chosen, daily.
Next post I’ll share how I was able to let go. But until then, enjoy the song. 😉
*”Why does it feel so cruelly bad coming from you? But in my perspective, I don’t see anything wrong about our relationship.”