At The End Of The Day

There will be tomorrow. 🙂

 

Hooray for more tomorrows!

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In my last post, I shared that God is the starting point of how I was able to let go. And I pray that you’ll see that too in your life.

 

Today I’ll share what other things God used that helped me to let go totally.

 

Forgive. Forgive them for what they did to you and forgive yourself as well. This is the very first issue God dealt with me.

 

I knew it! That’s why I don’t want Him to take over. He knows how much I hate them. How can I ever forgive?!? Oh how I struggled with it! I personally want to withhold forgiveness for like twice the time I spent with them.

 

But that’s not what He wants me to do.

 

He wants me to forgive.
To free myself of this bondage.
To lay down my pride.
To put down all this burden so I can walk in peace.
To be able to experience life full of joy and rage.

 

Though I struggled, I still obeyed.

 

And it’s not easy.

 

I have to forgive every day.
Every waking hour.
Every time I remember them.
Every time I felt pain.
Every time I see them.
I need to intentionally choose to forgive–daily.

 

Worst is I also need to forgive myself.
From all the self-inflicted condemnation.
From all the mistakes I did.
From all the failure I experienced.
For choosing the wrong path.
For letting all this in.
For not standing on what is right.
For enjoying the cheap thrills and guilty pleasures.
For hurting them.
And violating their boundaries as well.

 

I forgive. But not without help.

 

I forgive because He first forgave me.
Despite all my sins.
Despite all my filth.
Despite consistently turning Him down.
Despite living a life against His will.
Despite my disobedience.
Partial obedience.
Continued disobedience.

 

I didn’t understand but I heed.
I didn’t appreciate the pain but I stayed.
I didn’t love Him the way He loved me but I pray for a change of heart.

 

Yet despite all my sins, He loves me.
I can’t grasp His grace.
I can’t understand His mercy.
But I thank Him anyway.
From the bottom of my shattered heart.

 

He showed me that forgiveness is possible because of His love.

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Boundaries by Townsend and Cloud. This book helped me understand myself and appreciate why I do what I do.

 

Because of what happened, I hate myself for being this way.

I hate myself for crying over little things and not being able to move on fast.
I hate myself for being so loyal.
I hate myself for developing deep relationship.
I hate myself for trusting people easily.
I hate myself for loving deeply.

 

Reading this book opened my mind into reality and helped me understand that God created me this way. That I meant to touch people one person at a time. And I need not to hate myself in any way.

I learned the importance of boundaries.

 

That having a good set of boundaries will let the good in and keep the bad out.

I learned that you should keep on establishing your own set of boundaries anchored on your core values.
I learned that you should not be afraid nor guilty to say no to anything that would violate your boundaries.
I learned that saying no is not selfishness but good stewardship. You are taking care of your precious and fragile heart. That you should guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.

I realized that I don’t have any boundaries at all.

Worst is I tend to let the bad in, and keep the good out.

I let the bad in. I can’t say no to anything to the extent of allowing them to violate my core. I allowed them to ruin my heart.

And I keep the good out. I need help yet I find it so hard to ask help from anyone. I can’t share my deepest thoughts. It’s so hard to share how I feel about something. Thus, no one is able to help me.

Relationship Evaluation. I need to reevaluate the kind of relationship I am into. Are they safe? Can I say no without feeling guilty? Do they respect my no? Are they protecting me and leading me to make the right choices in life? Or they are the ones insinuating to do things that violates my core? Are they pushing me to be better? Or do they violate my boundaries?

Do they have good set of boundaries I can emulate? If yes, am I spending quality time with them? If I need to rebuild my boundaries, I need to spend time with people that have good set of boundaries.

To the point that I need to drop some relationship that are not healthy and keep on violating my boundaries. This is hard, specially with people that are close to your heart and you learned to love over time. At first, I find it harsh and struggled with the people-pleaser side of me. But as I make an honest evaluation of the impact our relationship has in my life, it shows that we will just drag each other into a sinkhole if we keep the relationship.

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Then I pushed myself to be surrounded by safe and loving people. Those kind of people I can say no without feeling guilty and won’t make me feel guilty. Those people that would respect my no and love me still. Those people that will teach me how to guard my heart and reestablish my boundaries. Those people that helps me to make the right choices and keeps me from doing the wrong ones.

This post turned out to be longer than I expected. To keep you from yawning, I’ll finish the list on my next post. Thanks for reading and I hope you learned something.

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