Our Last Little Sweet Hug

Time flies so fast

As fast as the wind that blew the strands of my hair every morning

As we walk past the stores lining up in the street

Trying to catch the next tricycle

To get into the van

And finally to the train

With the sea of grumbling commuters every single day

Until the day you left

 

We are just two strangers discussing our dreams

Over a cup of coffee

In the middle of the night

At the center of a busy street

Planning how our dreams will come alive

 

We are there talking about endless possibilities

And chasing opportunities

Failed relationships

Heartache. Sorrow. Pain.

Yes, we discuss about our pain

How we excruciatingly felt every bit of it

How we endure the nights of mourning

Asking why it happened?

Where have we missed?

What have we been lacking?

 

You ask questions left unanswered

Like shouting in an empty space

You demand for reasons but none was given

Lifting the dignity from your soul piece by piece

You sobbed until it numbs the pain

Turning your heart into cold solid ice

Pretentiously strong but fragile as a ballerina figurine

 

I fought for a fight that was already lost

I displaced my self worth

Just to regain the relationship

That was already given up

Sanity is slowly creeping out of my system

Groans of distress is growing out of my lungs

I breathe heartache

I am slowly fading away

 

Then we found a pathway leading to life

Even before we met

Giving us chances of grace

Showering us glimpse of hope

Stepping out from depression to acceptance is not a piece of cake

Those were the days, you said

 

We could go on like that forever

Shifting from dreams to heartache then back to dreaming

We listed our dreams

Like an endless traffic in EDSA

We crafted strategies

Like a child dreaming to fly like Captain America

We told ourselves how this is not possible

But we look up from above and whispered a prayer

As we take a leap of faith to the endless possibilities

 

Then the step of faith has come

You would have to leave

It left me crushed and broken

Like a garlic minced to pieces

But then this is the start of your dream

How can I not be happy with you?

 

We listed the things that could go wrong

And searched for ways on how to avoid them

Or fight them if left with no chance

Oh, you are a control freak

You leave no chances on defeat

Plan A. Plan B. What’s the worst thing that could happen?

Plan C. Plan D. What if it turned out to be okay? What’s the best thing that is waiting?

 

From day 1 of April until the day you left

It felt like a daily April Fool’s

No, this is not happening I said

We just met

Why are you leaving too soon?

 

What has meant to happen would happen

You stepped your foot in the airport

With the whole gang in moral support

We could have raised a banner

Waiving you goodbye

Wishing you luck

Leaving tons of hugs and kisses in your pocket

Until you excess your baggage

 

When you passed the immigration

I rejoiced with you like we passed the board exam

But it brought me a different kind of pain

That I would have to carry back in my room

Every night and every waking days

That pain of not seeing you again

Every morning and at night

The pain of not being able

To do things like we used to

 

That random night we ordered a huge box of pizza

And plan to go on a road trip

But it ended to the four corners of my room

That weekend walk to the University streets

Or on a nearby village, wearing sweat pants and tee

Eating qwek-qwek, dynamite, and squid balls

Ordering a bilao of palabok, buying grilled barbecue and chicharon

Drinking graham shakes paired with a cone of ice cream

Spending the whole afternoon at ChoKiss

Watching movies in your phone

Indulging on the most satisfying iced tea we could ever get

Dripping lime and honey, juice after juice

 

That cooking chef you have within

Trying every dish like there’s always a fiesta

Tacos, bacon, tortillas

Introducing my palette to different kind of taste

Pigar-Pigar is just one of them

That perfect smile you wear on every find

Your gleaming flashing smile that wears off all the tiring event of the day

If I can put it a box but how selfish would that be

As your smile is a gift not only meant for me

All those daily random treat cannot happen again

From April Fool’s Day until the day you left

 

I asked for a minute before you enter the gate

I saw you hugged your friend and bid goodbye

Then you slowly come to my side

Gleaming widely and rejoicing like a child

This is it!

 

I hugged you tight for three solid minutes

Until you cannot feel you chest

Until you gasped for air to breathe

Until we realized that this is the last hug we can give each other

I cannot let you go but I cannot let you stay

 

You hugged me back for three solid minutes

Like a child longing for her mother

Like a friend who haven’t met since forever

Like a snail sticking to the ground until he reach somewhere

Filling your lungs with love

From my overflowing mixture of happiness and pain

Asking me to not let go and keep in touch

Giving me the most warmest gift and memories

Wrapped in two wide open arms of last sweet hug

Packed with your tearfully perfect smile

 

As you go on a long journey

And you suddenly feel alone

Go back to that day that I hugged you tight

And you hugged back

Our last little sweet hug

Remember how it felt like

Bring out the pieces of love that I put in your backpack

And read the prayers I wrote in the journal of my heart

On our last little sweet hug.