Lingering Doubt

Don’t let me regret hiring you

He said with his fierce green eyes and warm yet authoritative voice.

You look weak. I don’t want weaklings in my team.

I messed up with reporting our financials. Strike two, mah men!

 

I don’t know why this person believed in me so much when I don’t even believe in myself. Everyday, I wake up wanting to quit and go home.

If it was only that easy. I would probably pack my things up and head home. I miss hugging my mom.

I went here with a bag of eagerness and joy. I know full well that I will flourish, wherever I go.

A friend once asked,

You have graduated college. Why are you here? You have a future in our homeland.

 

I wanted to explain the why’s and the how’s but it would probably bore him. I am here anyway. Besides, I don’t have the strength and courage to explain in details.

Every waking day, I dread coming to the office. It stresses me out every time I think of how I would please my boss and turn our company upside down.

This company is his baby as much as this WP is mine.

From an outset, we are going down the drain but he chooses not to let go.

I admire his fierceness and fighting spirit. For him, nothing is impossible. He has this vision of making our company compete globally. And I cringe in my thoughts.

He wants me to fight with him–look for solutions and stop whining.

That’s what we are supposed to do, aren’t we?

I am very fortunate to have a coaching session with my boss. I don’t take his comments negatively. I honestly appreciate how he guide me to be better.

But this doubt kept on lingering in my mind:

I cannot do it. How could I? I’m not superman.

We should probably close. I have nothing to offer.

I want to resign. I cannot do this anymore. Why did you even hire me?

I want to go home.

 

Yet with every doubt is hope.

With every fear is courage.

With every lie is the truth.

 

I will do this.

Every waking day.

Despite every doubt.

I will do it afraid.

 

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