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Nung Feb 14 pa ‘to. Pebrero pa naman di ba? Hahahappy Puso! ๐Ÿ˜€

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Shame Of My Youth

That thing in Facebook that reminds you of what happened or what you posted five or seven years ago. Sometimes it will show you a picture of a person that you don’t wish to see anymore. Most of the time it will remind you of happy memories and triggers a feeling of wanting to see those people in an instant.

A lot have been posted on this day but this poem stands out:

Sa tuwing pagsikat ng araw at paglubog nito,
Sa tuwing pagbuhos ng ulan at pagihip ng hangin,
Sa tuwing papagaspas ang dahon ng puno,
Sa tuwing makakarinig ng huni ng ibon…

Aking naalala ang mapait na kahapon,
Di na sana nais pang magpatuloy hanggang sa ngayon.
Ngunit bakit sa bawat hakbang, bawat galaw,
Tila umuulit ang masalimuot na kahapong tanglaw.

I realized that I’ve been lingering in hatred and shame for the longest time. Imagine, this was year 2010! Ha!

But because of God’s grace and overflowing love, the shame of my youth doesn’t drag me now like it used to. I learned to cast it off to the one who loves me most.

This is what I declare when the bitterness of the past is popping up in my mind:

“Do not be afraid; you will not be put to shame. Do not fear disgrace; you will not be humiliated. You will forget the shame of your youth and remember no more the reproach of your widowhood.”
Isaiah 54:4

If He, the God of heaven and earth, will forget the shame of my youth, how dare am I to keep remembering them with disgrace?

Do you despise what you did during your youth? If so, how are you dealing it?

PS: Not my wrist.

“It is finished.”

If You Think The Church Is Perfect, Think Again.ย 

My underlying belief is this:

Most (if not all) in the church and specially those I get to work within the ministry won’t ever hurt me (or at least not intentionally). They can all be trusted. They won’t stab me in the back. They won’t believe what other people say against their fellow believer unless verified.

But as I stay longer in the church, I see how idealistic my beliefs are.

For I see how carelessly we slander others. I see how we easily spread unverified information—passed along as prayer requests. To top it all, we refuse to confront each other and mend the relationship.

I see how we refuse to uphold unity whenever we avoid reconciliation. We refuse to look at the other side of the coin and understand where that person is coming from. We refuse to forgive.

I see how faulty we are. How crooked our beliefs until we allow God to mold us. I see how we are really in need of a Saviour. I see how we are like a sheep–dumb, stupid, no direction–and how a Shepherd would lay down His life just to save us from walking towardย a cliff.

I see how important Lordship is. That it is really a matter of the heart. That believing in Him is different from following Him.


Let me share a personal story.

In a trip, I shared a room with a friend. We call ourselves “Buddies.”

One day, I borrowed her laptop to practice a dance in the dining area. After practicing, I went straight to the wash room to fix myself because we have an event in the evening. I completely forgot her laptop lying in the table. I wasn’t able to fix it up. And I wasn’t aware that she was pissed off by it.

The day before that, I borrowed the sharpener of her eyebrowย pencil. When it’s her turn to use it, I can’t find it any longer.

Before the event started, I used the toys she donated and played with the youth. I forgot to place the toys back in its box after playing. I almost lost the box.

That’s when she confronted me.

And I didn’t like what I heard. I was really hurt. I am not really a fan of confrontation. Though I appreciate her honesty, I still take it as an offense.

From then on, I see all her actions as an attack. I felt like being stabbed in the back. I don’t appreciate her opinions anymore. For me, it all stinks.

How dare is she? I don’t fuss over her shortcomings and this is what I get? How can she make a big deal out of this? Can’t she just overlook things?

I can’t believe my thoughts.

I was hurt. I get that. But why can’t I just charge everything to experience and appreciate that she has been honest with what she felt?

I felt betrayed? Because she vented out and I didn’t? Isn’t it my choice to understand and overlook her shortcomings? So I expect her to keep everything to herself just because I did? I label my patience “selfless” and her honesty “selfish.”

I know something is wrong with my heart. I don’t want to face her the next morning still clinging to this offense. I don’t want to smile at her with a hurting heart. I don’t want to work with the team with unnecessary emotional baggage. She has been nothing but a trusted friend even before we started this trip. How can I believe that she is intentionally hurting me?

I cried to the Lord to help me. For on my own, I can’t. He showed me that I was nursing my pride and she hit it. My refusal to resolve our conflict means denial of a room for growth in our friendship. He reminded me of all the good things we’ve shared together–late night talk after group meetingsย and praying for each other before we call it a day. She’s one of the few peopleย thatย I can really be honest with. He let me appreciate her rebuke because instead of venting out to our team behind my back, she confronted me. He let me see that this is an act of love and not a betrayal.

“Better is open rebuke
than hidden love.”

I never could have forgiven her if I didn’t allow God to process my emotion. I was honest with the Lord with how I feel and He patiently reminded me of how to respond in humility.

Yes, we were hurt. Yes, trust has been broken. Yes, that’s unfair. But it can all be mended and healed–if we allow God to.

I hope we all fix our eyes on Jesus and overlook the offense from others. I hope we won’t cling to our grudge and choose to forgive. I hope we agree to disagree at some differences in preferences. I hope we don’t argue over minor things.

The appeal of Paul to the Church of God in Corinth still stands:

โ€œI appeal to you, brothers and sisters, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, that all of you agree with one another in what you say and that there be no divisions among you, but that you be perfectly united in mind and thought.โ€
โ€ญโ€ญ1 Corinthiansโ€ฌ โ€ญ1:10โ€ฌ โ€ญNIVโ€ฌโ€ฌ

I now understand that the church is not perfect. Because we are human. We err. We make mistakes. We are selfish. We clash. We have various differences. That’s why the Lord commanded us to love one another. It is not a suggestion but a command.

โ€œA new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.โ€
John 13:34-35

Do You Have Trust Issues With God?

Lately, I do.

And the writer of Romans helped me rebuild a better foundation of my trust in God.

The writer talks about faith, salvation, Jews, Gentiles, mercy and grace then he cap it off with this doxology:

โ€œOh, the depth of the riches of the wisdom and knowledge of God!

How unsearchable his judgments, and his paths beyond tracing out!

โ€œWho has known the mind of the Lord? Or who has been his counselor?โ€


โ€œWho has ever given to God, that God should repay them?โ€

For FROM Him and THROUGH Him and FOR Him are ALL things. To Him be the glory forever! Amen.โ€
โ€ญโ€ญ
Romansโ€ฌ โ€ญ11:33-36โ€ฌ โ€ญNIVโ€ฌโ€ฌ (emphasis mine)

ALL things are FROM Him.
ALL things are THROUGH Him.
ALL things are FOR Him.

He doesn’t owe me a single cent.
I am in no position to argue with Him. But I do most of the time.

We cannot limit God to our needs and wants alone. He is way more bigger than that. And because of that, we can trust that He can fulfill His promises and He will, but all for His glory.

  

How about you, do you also find it hard to trust God? Share me your thoughts!

Grumbling Heart

Today is my first day in the office after a month of local leave. Well, after 40 days. I extended because I need to shift to another house.

I have been pleading with God back and forth if I can just quit and look for another job. But being in a foreign country doesn’t make it easy to just disappear and leave your current company. And also, leaving without proper process doesn’t align with my core values. It is a shame to even think that but I do, more than a thousand times.

As I was grumbling to the Lord, bugging Him to give me a go signal from His Word to leave, I read this passage:

โ€œMoses answered the people, โ€œDo not be afraid. Stand firm and you will see the deliverance the LORD will bring you today. The Egyptians you see today you will never see again. The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still.โ€ Then the LORD said to Moses, โ€œWhy are you crying out to me? Tell the Israelites to move on.โ€
โ€ญโ€ญExodusโ€ฌ โ€ญ14:13-15โ€ฌ โ€ญNIVโ€ฌโ€ฌ

The Israelites are being chased by chariot armies. Their lives are at stake. Their default reaction is to grumble to Moses. They really believe they’re going to die because behind them are the soldiers. In front of them is Red Sea. Moses told them to be still because he is sure that the Lord will help them. The Lord said, move on. Then the Israelites cannot believe what their eyes are seeing: the sea parted and they walked on dry ground.

And I was rebuked. I saw how rebellious my heart is. I have identified with the grumbling hearts of the Israelites. I realized how I like things to happen the way I want it. I reasoned with God and I know all my reasons are valid. But He reasoned with this: “Don’t you trust me?”

My lips says I do but my action shows I don’t.

I asked for strength to face things through and faith to believe what He has promised.

  

Not Made For Parties

I guess Iย was never made for parties or anything that requires dresses and heels.

Last December, I wore a sneakers in a semi-formal event. I literally walked into an event where most, if not all, of the ladies were in their cocktail dresses, full make-up, and high heels.

Apparently, I am new in the community and still not going out of my shell. I didn’t bother to ask anyone nor get curious about the attire of the night. If not with my friend who is also new that time, I would have walked out.

At least we were able to pull out our performance and still enjoy the night. That’s what I told myself. Epic fail. ๐Ÿ˜€

๐ŸŽตShe wears high heels, I wear sneakers. ๐ŸŽถ – Taylor Swift

 

Then last month, I sneaked in a little black dress paired with strapped stilettos during our graduation ceremony. But when we were about to start, the straps of the stilettos snapped. Another epic fail.

Photo taken by Unyii before this sassy stilettos let me down. This is the best photo I can grab.

 

I don’t know what to do that time. Pinagpapawisan nako ng malamig. All I have is a pink slippers that I intend to wear after the event. I am ready to go back to our house and grab another shoes even if it meant missing half of the ceremony. Because there’s no way I’m gonna go in there with pink slippers.

But thank God, a beautiful soul let me borrow her shoes just in time. One of the event organizers traded her shoes with my pink slippers. She’s an angel!

Just in time. ๐Ÿ™‚

 

Hampasin Kita Ng Sandok, Eh!

In this world of “just do it”
Think first before you act.
Yes, you can do anything
But not everything is beneficial.

Won’t hurt to tell your plans to a friend and look from their perspective. If they are being objective, their advice will keep you grounded.

Nung sinabi ko kay Cham na kating-kati nako magpost sa WP–actually nakadraft na nga–muntik na niya ko hampasin ng sandok. Sayang kasi bes, art pa rin yun. Pero sabi ko nga eh, baka mahalo lang nang mahalo ang feelings. Nakakahilo yun. 

*puso

Sa tingin ko mas gusto niya talaga kong hampasin ng sandok dahil sa iniisip kong gawin. She’s just being nice kasi hindi pa kami close.  Hahaha!

 Gumamit Ng Sandok Pang Stir Ng Feelings. Baka Mapanis Eh.   | photo grabbed from our group chat. CTTO.
Gumamit Ng Sandok Pang Stir Ng Feelings. Baka Mapanis Eh. | photo grabbed from our group chat. CTTO.

Max

House Iced Tea.
Max’s Fried Chicken.
Kare-kare.
Bulalo.
Pinaputok na Bangus.
Sizzling Tofu.
Ube Cake.
Buko Pandan.
All in one sitting.
With 7 beautiful souls.
Cravings satisfied.
Homesickness kicking in.
Gusto ko maiyak sa saya.
Gustong pumutok ng pants ko sa busog.
Namiss ko na naman ang Pinas.
Api bertdey Ate Meling!!