Cake, Roses and Expressions of Love

In Facebook, I’ve posted a picture of pressing petals into a book to preserve an important memory as I usually do in high school. However, I leave out details like who gave the beautiful yellow bouquet of roses and the story behind it. As a result, many have assumed (or I have assumed that they have assumed) that it came from someone romantically special. I would most probably share the same thoughts when I see a bouquet of flowers in my News Feed.

I do not bother to explain the story behind the flowers as it has been my practice to be discreet in giving out details of my personal life especially in social media. Ironically however, I pour out story after stories of my inner thoughts here in WordPress (like what I will do now).

So, it happened to be my birth month this October. Yes, not April 1 (then say: April Fool’s!) nor April 31 (then see if you will check your calendar) as I usually tell strangers and new friends.

I end up in solitary confinement of me, my rumbling emotion and my ever stiff companion—bed, pillows and blanket.

Being in a different country, new community and new set of friends, no one knows
that it is my birthday except for my family and a too few friends. As a result, there were two or three greetings on Facebook walls; some messages from closest friends; few calls to my family back home; and LOTS OF SILENCE.

The night before my birthday, I am supposed to meet a friend and celebrate in their house but I was not really in the mood and wanted to be alone. Yet deep inside, I’m craving for company. Grand expression of love. Surprises, greetings and smiles.

On the day of my birthday is a usual Church service packed with discipleship meet-up and ministry roles.

After Church service, I agreed to meet my friend that I supposed to meet the night before. (By the way, I am grateful for this beautiful friend’s grace and love because although I did not show up last night, there she was, still inviting me over.) I ended up waiting for 1 to 2 hours before we meet because they are still on a cruise-yes, a cruise that I could have experienced as well if I haven’t been so caught up with myselp the other night. Ha!

That 2 hours of waiting time invited feelings of loneliness and agony. My friends are gone after our discipleship meet-up and I was left roaming around the mall clueless where to go and wait. I stayed in the wash room and confined inside the cubicle. There I read this passage from Psalm 37 and cried a river.

23The Lord makes firm the steps
    of the one who delights in him;
24 though he may stumble, he will not fall,
    for the Lord upholds him with his hand

The wonders of how God will meet you in the middle of your loneliness, doubt and agony—if you allow Him to. The verses spoke to my heart and hit a nail right in my head. The verse were the very words of affirmation, grand expression of love and a very personal message from God that I am longing for. He truly knows how to speak validation and affirmations to me in ways more than what I expect.

It crumbled all the fears like scales falling off my chest.

It melted all the loneliness that starts encapsulating my heart.

It answers my very question that day: “Will you hold my hand?

Yes He does. And it’s all that matters.

Back to the Facebook post I made just yesterday, it was an extension of God’s expression of grandiose love through the very people I trust and choose to share lives. I’ve spilled my birth-date a week before. So we meet-up last night to celebrate the birthdays of two beautiful ladies in the group—plus myself.

They gave us a cake and each of us has a bouquet of yellow roses! Then they gave some sweet messages and prayed for us shortly after.

In my opinion (that sometimes stinks), the meet-up was mostly awkward and silent. Yet it was equally peaceful and joyful. For it is composed of a group of ladies with different personalities that choose to show up and do not give up meeting together; gather around and celebrate the birthdays of their new found friends.

I sit in the chair with them and let the awkwardness fade. I embrace the silence. I look beyond their smiles and allowed myself to be loved by these people. I know that in time, slowly and surely, I will be able to put off the invisible mask I am unconsciously wearing—weary and conscious of what they think about me; wondering if I can be as true to these people as I am to some few close friends who are not around.

I look forward to more celebrations with them and a few cries if we may.

Truly, the Lord upholds me with his right hand. And he does a couple of significant things other than cupping my face, wiping my tears and holding my hand. He unwrapped a family before me that I have yet to enjoy as I find my way out of despair. I don’t have to understand. For he is with me and holding me all the way—HHWW PSSP (Holding Hands While Walking—Pa-Sway-Sway Pa).🙂

I believe that he will keep on unwrapping gifts beyond what I can ever ask or imagined. But wait—I keep my eyes fixed on the Giver of the gifts instead. Everything else will just be an overflow of who He really is.

I’ve blabbered enough. If you are going through some tough times, I pray that you will be encouraged and will choose to fight a good fight of faith. It is never easy. That’s why we need Jesus’ unfailing and unconditional love to help us through. Allow Him to help you today.

Choose Love,
Ji Pass

I Don’t Understand

I need you.
Not later.
Nor tomorrow.
But now.

Will you come through?

Can you hold me?
As you hold all things together?
I need you.
But I don’t always want you.

I have been longing and wanting
Somebody but you.
I have been chasing and pleading
Someone else’s attention yet few.

Will you forgive me?
For I am supposed to run to you
Whenever I’m weak and weary
But I don’t always do.

You say that you are always near,
Close to the broken-hearted;
You understand all our fears
And identify with our pain.

I want to lean on your shoulder
And cry a river
I want to sit beside you
In silence and despair.

Will you cup my face?
Will you hold my hand?
Please wipe my tears
For I don’t understand.

Light a candle and light up my life.

The Gospel and My Dream

Some people claim that we can be Christians without necessarily becoming disciples. I wonder, then, why the last thing Jesus told us was to go into the world, making disciples of all nations, teaching them to obey all that He commanded? You’ll notice that He didn’t add, “But hey, if that’s too much to ask, tell them to just become Christians—you know, the people who get to go to heaven without having to commit to anything.” ~ Crazy Love by Francis Chan

Hey that was harsh yet true. It hit a nail right in my head. 

I used to have this attitude to never ask my friends to go with me to church because I don’t want to inconvenience them. You know, I’d like to go on my own way and they might have a schedule of their own. Besides, I don’t want to be rejected. 

After all, I respect what they believe in and I want them to respect mine. 

It’s as good as saying that I know a cure for cancer but hey, I don’t want to waste your time by asking you to come with me and take some. You might not believe anyway. 

Selfish, right? 

As I’m reading this book, I realized how false my mindsets are and how shallow my views are towards God. 

I had a dream. 

In my dream, we are in a place where we will be sharing the Gospel. We are a group of 10 to 15 people passsionate to God and sharing His love to others. Within the group, I met a godly man who can be my potential husband. However, somewhere in our discussions, he made a negative remark towards my physical appearance. And I was hurt. I prayed and asked God to heal me from this man’s remark and deal with my heart to focus on Him and our purpose why we are there. My heart tends to wander around and throw my perspective out of balance. 

As I was praying, I felt the need to pray for the full time missionaries who boldly answered the call of God to go into the nations. Then the leader of our group asked me: Jai, do you have a word? Implying that I should lead the prayer. 

Then I woke up. 

It is no coincidence that the word I am reading is about commiting 101% to Christ (and that includes sharing the gospel) and my dream is about going on a mission trip and praying about the nation. 

Though the dream also showed me that I will be married to a godly man (for the Lord knows what’s in my heart and He is sweet like that), it is mostly about challenging me to trust Him–fully, without hesitation–for He will use me for His glory. 


PS: The Lord is redeeming my dreams. I used to wake up from a dream panting, shouting, and crying without even remembering what the dream is all about. But now it was clear like crystal and I woke up refreshed and glad. I pray for more dreams like this! 

PS1: How about you, what are your dreams lately? Share them in a post and tag me or just leave a comment below. Would love to read them!

PS2: Do you know that God loves you and is crazy for you? Let that truth sink in. See you around!

God is the creator of heaven and earth; of sun, moon and stars; of you and me. Just because He wants us to exist for Him.


Let’s walk towards goodness.

Hindi ko ininda ang pag-iwan mo sa akin
Dahil alam kong ininda mo
Na isinantabi ko
Ang pagmamahal mo

Alam kong kay lalim ng sakit
Na idinudulot nito sayo
Ngayon at hindi ko alam
Kung hanggang kaila

Paalam sa iyong pagmamahal
Na lagi ko nang bitbit
Dala-dala ng puso kong nakangiti
At inaalala ang bawat oras na ika’y masaya pa

Umaasa ako
Na balang araw
Makikita pa rin kita
Puno nang tuwa

At kung hindi man tayo
Sa huli
Magmahal ka pa rin
At paiksiin mo ulit ang apat na oras
Tuwing gabi
Kahit hindi na para sa akin

White Smoke

It is supposedly a Good Night.
It is supposedly a Good Night.

The gates are locked. Jan made sure that the doors are properly locked. She was sleeping with her mother.

While Jan hugged her mom as they are sleeping, a man crept in.

The scent, the built and the man’s face is so familiar, Jan almost smiled upon seeing him.

So she faced the man.

He was Ron, her ex-boyfriend.

But how was he able to come in?

Ron lay beside her without saying a word.

A few seconds later, he started making advances.

A touch on the side.
Kisses on the neck.
Hard kiss on her lips.
He was forcing it.

Jan heard her heart pounding loudly. She is fighting hard but the man was so strong.

She lost hope.

As the moon shines brighter at night, Jan’s heart was torn.

Her dignity was tainted.

But she lifted her eyes and look into this man and said—I forgive you.

Then the man fades away like a dream.. Slowly.. Whitish smoke that fades with the wind.

Note: This is fiction. A meek attempt on short story.

Ang Pinakamatagal Na Tatlumpung Minuto

The sun sets faster than our 3o-minutes.

Ang pinakamatagal na tatlumpung minuto
Yun na yata
Sa buong buhay ko
Yun na nga

Ang maghintay sa wala
Ni katiting na pag-asa
Sa tayo at bukas
At sa pangarap na sabay nating binuo

Ang makinig sa bulong
Na tila hangin na nga lang
Na sinisigaw ng puso mo
Na wasak at basag

“Hindi ko kaya..”
“Hindi ko kayang mawala ka.”
Paulit-ulit kong binabasa
Sa labi mo

Alam ko

Dinaan ko na nga lang sa tula
Ang kaduwagan ko
Na harapin ka
At yakapin sa bisig ko

Kung dati ay tila kay bilis
Nang limang oras
Tuwing tayo’y magkasama

Ngayon bakit anong pait
At sukdulan ng bagal
Ang pag usad ng bawat segundo
Habang nakatitig ako sa mga mata mo
Sa loob ng tatlumpung minuto


Take me back to yesterday. I'd like to run and play.
Take me back to yesterday. I’d like to run and play.

Can I just scream right now?

Things are getting out of hand! Everyday I wake up to lack of cash, rants of people, payment demands, injustice on both ends, and judging eyes around my place. What’s worse is that I don’t know if my existence here adds any value to the company. All I want to do is pack my bags and go. Seriously. I want to leave the situation and run away. It seems like I am in a dream that gets pretty nasty and scary I want to wake up. I’d like to go search for a greener pasture and more comfortable place and never look back.

Can I do that? I certainly can.

But shall I? I would probably not.

I’d like to focus on the light at the end of the tunnel.

I put my trust in Him who certainly is in control right now, no matter how messy I see things to be. I don’t know what will happen next or where this would lead me. All I know is that the One who place me here is faithful. Good thing that His faithfulness in not dependent on my circumstances nor on my bible reading, prayer and devotion because I cannot keep up. His faithfulness is dependent on the riches of His grace. I am certain that He can get me out of this situation. Or He can help me get through it.

How about you? Are things getting out of hand in your life as well? Can you tell me something about it?